Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
