Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
