I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
