If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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