Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
So squirting runs in the family.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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