dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
