My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
