Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
