Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize