He disabled his match.com account in front of me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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