I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
