don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
