so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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