seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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