he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
