Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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