You're earring is so big in my mouth
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
