Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
