dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
