Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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