just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
