I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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