I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Idk if I want to put a bra on
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
