yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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