apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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