the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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