I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
