I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
