then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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