I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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