apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
