I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize