Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
