i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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