Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I want a musical about memes.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
