do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
