In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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