I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
