I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
