yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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