Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize