you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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