She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize