i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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