I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
