how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
