Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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