i already hear my dad disowning me
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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