You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
