Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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