Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
