You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
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