Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
