i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
