my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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