My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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