I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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