we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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