and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
