Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
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