Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
