My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
